Thoughts on the Ruggedness of Kids

 I... I just don't even know where to start with this.

A fellow parenting blogger recently pointed me at a blog by a dad. The dad's blog is well done, well written, well thought out, and, and... Feels so much like my polar opposite in so many ways.

Just, just, wow! I think every parent's views are valid. If it works for them, and it works for their kids, then it works.

OK....

Wow...

So... The post in question opined nostalgic about kids exiting a very delicate stage of life when they turn five. And.... He and I don't talk the same way about kids.

I think kids are pretty rugged little people. It does nothing for me to think that they're fragile, delicate, in-danger, or need anything from me. Not even infants. Yeah, I know infants need lots of things from me, boy do I know, but it hurts me to think of them as some epitome of neediness. It doesn't make me feel important, and to be fair, I don't think it made the author of the article I read feel important either. I think, and I'm not him, I think it scared the shit out of him for four years. That's ok. For him.

Every single thought about parenting is valid. Of course. (To be really clear, I do believe that, I'm simply adding my voice to the set of thoughts that are out there.)

It's just that I couldn't live that way. So, in case you couldn't either, please allow me to share. You know, or don't. Close the page, maybe read the rest, then print it out and rip it up. Everything is good.

Let's start at the start, even newborns are tough and capable. Imagine going through the act of birth. About the only person it's arguable that birth is a cake walk for is the non-birthing partner. Certainly not the mom, and not the baby either. They get squished through a really tight squeeze to burst into a world they've never seen before. Everything is different, everything is new, and the first thing we make sure they do is cry so we know they're breathing ok. 

And they handle it like troopers.

Next, they need food. Now, unlike a few minutes/hours ago, food has to be ingested rather than just flowing in through their belly button. Once again. They rise to the occasion. They eat. 

Later they get gas, that's not easy either what with all the new body systems coming on line, so you know what? They typically holler. They've already learned to let the supportive people around them know when they have issues. Genius! Tough! Capable!

And what of the world at large? Do I think it's dangerous? Do I think they (kids under five) need to be protected from it? In a word, and yeah, this doesn't apply to everyone, but in a word that applies to me and the author of the post I'm a little bit topsy turvy over, No. No, I don't think the world at large is dangerous.

Everyone's definition of 'out in the world' and the world 'being safe' is different. Totes cool. Here's what I mean by those things. The kids here were in a wrap out meeting and greeting people at about, I don't know, four to six weeks old. When their first round of vaccinations kicked in people were saying hi even closer up. When they learned how to crawl, they crawled everywhere. We were grad students, so that meant student lounges, campus quadrangles, the occasional beach near a research laboratory on Long Island and the like. When they learned to walk, they walked everywhere with me. 

When they got tired, I picked them up. When they got ready to go again, I set them back down. Get this! They were only a little older than one. I still wore the wrap all the time. By the time each of the kids were heavy enough to be kind of a pain to carry they were walking a mile with me easy. And they did great! And they were safe! I've gotta say, in the picture above I was tickled pink that the kid had spotted something with the dog, because about four feet the other side of me:

And even then! You know what? That tarantula was not out hunting babies. I promise.

How about grocery stores? The kids and I spent a lot of time in grocery stores. Safe? You bet! But that's because you stuff the kid in the cart seat right? Oh, hell no!

The kids were down on the ground as soon as they could walk making their ways around the store with me. Given, a lot of my grocery shopping took place at 5 in the morning. We used it though. I'd holler out "Hard Left," "Hard Right," and "U-Turn!" The kids learned to follow the directions from a few aisles down the long ends of the store. This was huge for the next thing... Let's do it.

[Quick aside here. See the disclaimer below about moms. If my partner wanted to put the kids in the cart and I wasn't there to walk with them, they went in the cart. I had things I wanted to do that made them my responsibility, not my partner's.]

OK, what were we about to do? Oh yeah.

Is town safe? You get one guess. Why yes, yes it is! Did I set a toddler down on the sidewalk and walk away? Hell no. Did I hang with the kid who was already walking with me everywhere else and slowly but surely make sure they weren't going to walk into the road? Yeah. It takes time like all the rest of parenting, but it works.

I've pretty much shown where I'm headed. Let's wrap up a few more examples quickly, and then I'd love to field your questions or hear what you and the kids you hang out with in the comments.

Camping? Yep! Kids have all been camping since they were a few weeks old.

Beaches? One of the kids taught themselves how to swim on a beach.

Public transit? Yup. All of the kids have been on public transit on their feet since they were toddlers.

Pubs and Happy Hours? Yeah! Safe! My partner and I were still grad students when the kids started arriving. We kept right on going to grad student Fizzics happy hours on Fridays. Babies are great networking partners. Toddlers are even better at helping you circulate the gathering.

And now, a few disclaimers. 

Are you me? Nope.

Dads, you don't gotta do any of this. If there's other things you want to do, do those. The first point here is that kids are so very, very capable right from the start. The second point is that you are very, very capable right from the start as well! Do the things.

Notice that no moms were mentioned in this post

Do Not Decide Kids are Safe and Capable and Also That Your Partner Should Handle all of The Things. If there's something you wanna do, you do it. You can! I believe in you! Do try to be a better dad, but do that by dadding. Yourself!

Finally, even though moms weren't mentioned, the one here knew exactly what I was up to

Am I saying ignore moms? Oh Goodness No! My partner and I talked about how each of us planned to parent copiously before we had kids. We both knew a lot about what each of us thought parenting should be like before we ever started. I'm frequently asked if the kids' mom knew where we were?' Well, no. My partner knew we were in town-ish (the Bay Area has excellent public transit), but not exactly where or what on Earth we were up to this time. (The kids and I are more than a little random in our planning.) I also had very little idea where my partner was or what she was doing. I did know she was enjoying the space because she told me so. Point being, we'd put in our talking up front. We also, to this day are talking about parenting. Talk to your partner. A lot.

In Summary

Dads: Kids were surviving on this planet long before we had permanent rooves over our heads, running water, or any of that good stuff. They're fine! You'll be fine! You've got this.

Did I learn anything from the post that inspired all of this? Kind of surprisingly to me, yes! As the kids here are starting to edge into teen-dom, I'd started to worry... about things... I shouldn't have. These kids have got this. They've also got me when and if they need me. Things'll be fine. 

What are your favorite dadding adventures?