Independent Kids and Freedom: Rules or Guidelines?

Are rules a hard and fast thing? Do we have to do what the rule says just because it says so?

None of the kids here, nor I think so. We’ve always pictured rules as guidelines. Does that mean we just flaunt past them whenever and however we please? No. It means we work to understand the reasons for the rules in our lives. If we can gain that understanding, we can actually achieve two things. The first is making our lives more convenient because a rule just doesn’t apply or because it doesn’t make sense in this case. The second way it makes things more convenient is that by understanding what we’re trying to achieve with a rule, we can actually apply the rule places that will keep us safe, but where the rule—as it was originally construed—might not have applied.

This leads to two different behaviors on my part as a parent. First, I try not to make rules. Second, when I really, really have to make a rule, I make sure to explain exactly what it’s for and what I’m trying to achieve.

This came up most recently in our morning walks with the dogs. We have a new puppy, and while the puppy does just fine at the dog park off leash, we’ve had to be careful letting him off leash in other sections of the park because we can’t always get him back yet. Also, the puppy has grown to the point that he can pretty easily pull the kids down. All of this led to me going on walks with the kids and the puppy to make sure everything would go OK.

We all wanted to let the puppy off the leash, but we needed to go early in the morning, and wait till we arrived at the right part of the park (the part that typically has no people) for this work out OK. On each of our walks, we’d wait till we hit the point where the puppy was unlikely to turn back towards the house and where there were usually no people We would then scan the area—we could see for at least 100 yards in every direction ahead of us—for other people or dogs. Then, we’d let the puppy romp for a while as we walked.

I explained each of these things to the kids each time we went on the walk. After the first time, I started asking them to make the check for people. The 9 year old kid can see better than I can anyway, and is a bit of an expert at spotting people and wildlife, even in the dark. Letting them know where, why, and how the puppy could go off leash led us to them being able to peel out ahead of me since I had the older, slower dog. They’d hit the potential leash-off point, wait, and then we’d make the decision together.

Until we didn’t. My schedule started to get more packed in the early mornings, so I started leaving the house after they did. Some days, significantly after they did, and then I’d catch up with them on the back side of the loop. And guess what they did?

They took over the decision making process all on their own. I’d never made a rule that they couldn’t do it, and that freedom enabled them to take over for me, and it’s been wonderful. Now, when I need to leave later, I can. They’ve got it handled.

Not making rules for kids isn’t just freedom for kids. It also leads to freedom for adults!

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