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Kids Practicing Their Own Limits

Rae Pica posted regarding the tying of shoes yesterday.  Rae pointed out that if we help kids too much, we might, in turn, make them helpless.  The point being, without the opportunity to try and to fail, will they be able to learn how to do things?



The gang, (8 y.o. No. One, 6 y.o. No. Two, and 4 y.o. No. Three), have seen other takes on the old shoe saw.  First, there’s the ever-present, your shoes are on the wrong feet.  I’ve talked about me having to deal with that one before.  These days though, we’re also starting to get ‘your shoes aren’t tied’.  Now that the kids’re getting bigger, I’m not the one dealing with these things anymore.  That’s what I wanted to talk about, by not setting some limits on the kids, the kids are learning how to set limits with others.  It’s kinda cool, and pretty handy for the kids.  Let me illustrate with a story.

A year or two ago, the kids and I were riding BART headed downtown for one thing or another.  We frequently don’t ride together on public transit.  I want the kids to get used to riding by themselves.  Riding in different parts of the train, they learn how to handle themselves, and I get a little break for reading and sometimes writing.  When I looked up to see how the kids were doing on this particular trip, I could see that a woman dressed to the nines in business formal attire had approached them.  She was speaking earnestly to then six year-old No. One.  One politely paid attention until the woman was done speaking, and then went back to reading her book.  The woman didn’t leave.  She started speaking with One again.  One once again politely listened, then went back to reading her book.  On the third iteration, Two, who was sitting net to her did something kinda odd.  He leaned sideways and backwards putting his back where his butt shoulda been, and lifted his feet over One to the woman.  As we approached the next stop, the woman walked towards my end of the car.  “Are those kids yours?”
“Yup, yup they are!”
“They’re adorable!”
“Well, thank you!”
“But, the older one’s shoes are untied.”
“Hunh, what do you know.  Well, thank you.”
And with that, we had reached the woman’s stop, and she disembarked.

For the record, I care very little whether or not the kids tie their shoes.  Early on, I thought natural consequences would take care of the whole issue.  They didn’t.  As it turns out, the kids have adapted, and there are almost no consequences to them not tying their shoes.  They run down the street shoes untied.  Occasionally, they throw a shoe.  It’s comical, but not devastating.

Once we arrived at our stop, I asked One and Two what had happened.  They quickly filled me in.  the person had hoped that One would tie her tie her untied shoes.  She’d started with the reasonable, “Your shoes are untied.”  When that didn’t work, she’d moved on to “Can I tie your shoes for you?”  As she persisted, Two had decided to try to take some of the heat by offering to let her tie his shoes, hence the feet up in the air.  Apparently she wasn’t satisfied because alas, his shoes,back then, had Velcro strips instead of laces.  But, then, it had all worked out OK because she’d had to get off the train.

Here’s the thing.  Since we don’t have any limits about this thing—tying shoes—the kids got to practice setting their own limits with other people.  Like it or not, people are going to try to to tell other people what to do.  Because we have no limits, (on this particular thing), the kids got practice setting their limits with other people.  I think it’s valuable practice.  They got to define their autonomy, and hold up it up against others’ attempted infringement of it.  Admittedly the well-intentioned, gently attempted infringement of it, but infringement none-the-less.  By being able to set their own preferences, they get to establish their own boundaries.  It's cool that the kids are getting the practice, because the sooner you start practicing, the better, and more natural a skill becomes.

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