Coercion, Power, and Unschooling

A bit of a conflagration took place in the unschooling portion of twitter this week.  The discussion revolved around whether or not children have power and whether or not we as parents ‘have to’ coerce them.

As an unschooling dad, I like to believe kids do have power.  I like to back off as much as I can, and I’ve discovered the more I back off, the better things go.  And, therein lies the rub, I think.  Yes, I do have power, both based on my size, my ‘status’ in society, and money.  Choosing not to use that power however is what improves my life and the kids’. 

As an unschooling parent, I think the kids should be learning what they want to learn when they want to learn it.  I also think that the thought that I could coerce the kids into learning things by applying my power is wrong-headed.  Let’s take, for example six year-old No. Two’s efforts to read, or perhaps I’d be more accurate in phrasing it as his lack of effort to read. 

For those that think parents can exercise power, this situation would be comically horrifying.  Two will learn to read when he decides he wants to.  Would my life be far easier if he knew how to read right now?  Yes!  Yes it would!  Would I be better if I ‘forced’ him to learn to read?

Hahahahaha, oh my goodness.  Here’s where some balance of power comes in.  I could not force Two to read.  I could try.  I would be miserable.  Two would be miserable.  My life would be so much materially worse as to warrant completely bringing the forceful effort to an end.  Two in fact does have power in this matter.  When I push on reading, he peacefully, and passively, simply stops looking at the letters altogether.  “What letter is this?”  I’ll ask.

Staring at the wall opposite the book, Two will reply with one of his favorite guesses, “W?”

“No buddy, you actually have to look at the letter.”

And so on.  Two exercises the power he has.  The power to say no.

And I’m glad that he does.  I think one of the biggest benefits of unschooling is the ability to learn to wield personal power.  The kids know they have a say in their education.  They know that they’re actually in charge of it.  I think this teaches them to be in charge of their lives in general.

I think in public schools this kind of learning to wield power is utterly absent.  Parents force kids to go to school where teachers force them to participate in a single proscribed way.  There’s no control to be seen.

The twitter user went on to discuss things like the provision of food and shelter as power.  Let’s talk about that for just a moment.  Yes, I do clothe and feed the kids here.  They however, because they’ve been allowed to exercise their personal power, make things much easier for me.  They do at least half of our grocery shopping.  Yes, with money I provide, but what I get in return is more time.  They cook some of the food, again with the time.  They take care of the dog.  All of these things are provided by the kids to me.  So, if we’re measuring power by perks provided that could be ripped away, the gang are building up a balance of power that I’d prefer to keep growing.

Healthy relationship with kids, just like healthy relationships with adults don’t have to be coerced.  They’re based on mutual respect and and mutual benefit.  To pretend that the other kind of relationship, one built on power and coercion, regardless of the age of the participants, will work is folly.

All graphics from "Young Justice" No. 3.